shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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