i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Randomize
