i need an iv and a liver transplant
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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