the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour