I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I am one with the molecules
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
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