I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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