Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
