I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
