Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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