Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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