I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
