I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize