I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
