I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
