I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize