There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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