It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
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I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
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And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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