Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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