The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
