My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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