It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Randomize
