But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize