one word: firstdatebathroomanal
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
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