can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
