Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
please come you make the beer taste better
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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