all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
