dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize