OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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