doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize