Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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