There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
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he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
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I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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