i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
