i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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