ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
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