There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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