she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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