Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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