Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
