so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
