Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
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I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
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I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
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