Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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