I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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