we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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