woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
