If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
