The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
