my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
