JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
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Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
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I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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