dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Randomize
