the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
