I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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