Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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