i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
