you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
My feet surprised me
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
