you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
