I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
