I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
