Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
